


Deep Dark

by KeoProductions



Series: Deep Dark [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Astronomy, Depression, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 23:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11473854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeoProductions/pseuds/KeoProductions
Summary: “The stars aren’t out tonight..” You mumble disappointedly, yet Sehun still pulls out his grandiose telescope, setting it up on the grassy hill. Bewildered, you watch as he tilts the scope up, towards the clouded sky.“It’s dark.” He agrees, turning to look at you with a small smile. “But the stars are still out, look.” He motions for you to peek through the device. You know you’ll see nothing, but decide to humor him and lean down to look through it.Just as you assumed, you saw nothing but a deep darkness. Pulling away, you gander at him. “There’s nothing there.” You state the pure obvious.But he grins at you, stepping closer and cupping your cheeks and your hair. You gasp, heat pumping through your veins as he leans down, so close, and whispers to you.“You’re a thief, Starlight,” He accuses you, staring into your eyes with wonder. “I don’t even need my telescope anymore.” Confused, but speechless, you do nothing but stand there, gaping at him with wide eyes. “I don’t know when you did it, but..” When he smiles again, you release a small sigh in awe. “All of the stars are in your eyes now.”





	1. The Deep Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You go to astronomy class for the first time and Sehun is already a spectacle.

Depression, from what you know, doesn’t mean someone is sad, lost, and/or without hope all the time like everyone thinks it is. Depression means you stop caring. You just can’t do it, not matter how hard you try or pretend to.

You didn’t know what you had was depression until you read about in your psychology textbook (in a section about mental illnesses). It only took you a week after that to drop the class. You were falling behind in it anyways; your counselor suggested to get out of it before the next semester started so it didn’t affect your transcript or GPA.

Not that you care about that either, but it’s one less class you have to worry about. When second semester  ** _does_** start, you enroll in an astronomy class just for the kicks. Maybe you’ll tell your parents you’re planning on majoring in the sciences (that’s another thing you’ve been putting off, along with the dishes).

This kind of depression is the only kind you know of; not giving a shit and not wanting to, either. Though, your textbook did mention another type, you couldn’t believe someone in reality could fit the description, so you scrapped the idea.

Your first day of lecture is boring, just like your other classes, that is, until the end of it.

“Yes, you heard right. Please draw out a precise map of the our solar system, including the constellations, and calculate how far each one is from Earth, our sun, and Pluto.” The instructor reiterates. Most of the class takes this in stride, having already accustomed to the college workload. You? You feel as if it’s all too much effort.

“Sir?” Someone on the other end of the room raises their hand, and the professor calls on him. The guy, from what you can tell, is very excited about this assignment. “Is it alright if I also map our neighboring galaxies and their constellations?”

…did he really just ask for more work?

“Oh, there’s no way you’ll be able to finish it on time. Didn’t you hear? This is due tomorrow.” The instructor says, laughing and waving him off. But the guy keeps his hand raised stubbornly, practically sitting on the edge of his seat. “I’m serious, son, don’t test me.” The professor warns, growing vexed.

Suddenly, the student stands up from his seat heatedly, his excitement turning into frustration. “Sir, don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. You’re underestimating my ambition.” He declares.

“And you’re underestimating my class.” The instructor rebuttals, but makes a face of consideration anyways. “Fine, but if you don’t turn it all in, then you get a zero, despite what you’ve finished.” The professor offers.

The guy, losing his grimace, beams. “I won’t disappoint you.”

When class is over, you’re mind is still stuck on what happened. How could someone possibly ask for  ** _more_** work? Putting a ruler down to paper was enough for you, and this dude wants to map out other solar systems?

Yah! He must be insane!

Or, normal, you think hollowly. Maybe that’s what being normal is like. Wanting to push yourself, to see how much you can handle before you crack. Yet, that guy didn’t sound like he was pushing himself at all at the idea of extra work. In fact, he sounded confident that he’d be able to do it all.

How can someone be so sure of their selves?

The end-of-winter breeze is chilling, sending shivers down your spinal cord and forcing you to hug yourself closer underneath your pullover. You always wear them, self-conscious about the skin underneath. True, you’re not horrific to look at in the mirror, but you still manage to find flaws where they shouldn’t be.

You hate your hair, your eye color, the size of your nose, your hips, your thighs, and your feet, but most of all, you hate your smile. Everyone can tell it’s fake, you remind yourself when someone walks by and almost bumps into you. You give them a forgiving smile anyways, closed-lipped, as always.

You probably look really, really cold, hugging yourself with your head hanging low, walking fast. That, or really, really scared. Though, that’s not too far from reality.

Little things set you off sometimes, into a frenzy of fear and wide-eyed panting. “Panic attacks”, as your psych textbook called it. It gets hard to breathe, like there’s a pillow over your face. Everything freaks you out, even a comforting hand on the back. Your legs give out, and you can’t move until it passes.

You’ve never been able to overcome one, not even with someone’s help. You came to the conclusion that you’ll never be able to, either, so when it does happen, you lock yourself in your room and wait for it to pass.

The vague curiosity of whether that classmate has ever went through something of similar caliber crossed your mind, but you immediately dismissed it. There’s no way he could; he’s normal. Someone who has a good future ahead of him because he wants it.

Because he cares.

Going through the motions, you note, is the one thing that sets you apart from everyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

One of the perks of not caring is staying up as late as you want without worrying about the consequences. At night, you venture back out on campus, despite the dropping temperatures, and climb up your favorite hill. You always come here when you need a break from socializing (socializing, in your case, is just being around other human beings), and spend time with the stars.

For some reason, they comforted you in a way people couldn’t. They sparkle above you, whispering encouragements and warm thoughts as you quietly make your way up the hill, before stopping abruptly at the top.

Turns out you’re not alone tonight.

Silently, you weigh your options. You needed to be here to relieve stress, but having company is a 99% chance of having more.

You’re just about to leave when you realize it’s someone you recently came to know; the astronomy boy.

Tentatively, you sneak as softly as you can to a stop near him, but not too close. You don’t mind being in his company, if you’re being honest (as long as he doesn’t talk to you).

He doesn’t even notice you, which is your ideal situation, as you settle into a cross-legged position beside him and his telescope. He’s looking through the scope at the clear sky, sketching something in a drawing book that’s perched in his lap.

Being respectful, you don’t peek at it, and instead lay back in the dead grass, staring at the stars. They’re twinkling just as nicely as they always do, and you let out a silent, contented sigh.

 

 

 

 

 

_(Sehun’s P.O.V)_

When Sehun’s making the last of his sketches, his eyes glance at his wrist, where he notices it’s now 4:00 AM. He’s in the middle of panicking, because now he’ll only have a few hours to sleep, before he realizes he’s not alone.

He freezes, his sketchbook halfway in his bag already, wide eyed as he recognizes you. It’s that cute girl from astronomy class, he thinks to himself. How long has she been here?

With the risk of looking creepy, he allows himself to watch you for a little bit. He’s well aware that it’s still night time, and even in the day it would be scary for someone to wake up to someone else watching them, but he can’t help it.

You’re as beautiful as the stars, he finds himself thinking, and with a dry chuckle, and as cold as the night.

Leaning over, he tentatively shakes your arm. “Excuse me, um, are you awake?” He knows it’s a dumb question, but he doesn’t know what else to say. After a small shiver, your eyes flutter open and land on him. When you have no immediate reaction to his presence, he moves his hand away awkwardly. “Um, it’s late and I was just packing up. How long have you been here?” He asks as you suddenly sit up straight.

“What time is it?” You ask. You look flustered, but you sound like you could care less about how late you stay out. Sehun is appalled by your contradictory reaction.

“Around 4:00 AM.” He says.

“Then, awhile.”

There’s a pregnant silence before Sehun speaks up. “Hey, uh, before I put it away, would you like to look through my telescope?” He asks, seeming excited to share the view. “The stars look really beautiful up close.”

You blink at him in consideration, gandering at the scope and up at the sky, before replying, “I’m sure you’re right, but no thanks.” You say, sighing and standing up. “I’m not good enough to see something so beautiful…” You whisper to yourself. Sehun’s not sure if he was meant to hear that, so he pretends he didn’t and continues to pack his things. “Thanks for waking me, by the way.” You tell him uncomfortably, shivering slightly before hugging yourself.

Seeing your trembling state, Sehun asks, “Do you want my jacket?” You seem put off by the question, and Sehun is afraid he sounds like a weirdo. “I mean, you look cold.” He shrugs.

“Thanks, but no thanks.” You say, giving him a small smile. He isn’t sure if it’s real or not.

“At least let me walk you to your dorm building, it’s late.” He rationalizes, but again, you shake your head and tell him it’s alright. “No, I insist.” He tries, sliding his bag over his shoulder and holding the telescope under his other arm. “I’m not so much of a jerk that I’d let a girl walk home alone.”

This time when you look at him, Sehun thinks he sees genuine emotion. When he ponders on it a little longer, he realizes it’s curiosity. “Thanks.” You say softly. “I’ll lead the way.”

“Okay.”

Sehun isn’t sure why, but walking you home wasn’t uncomfortable for him in the least. Usually with girls, he feels like he’s obligated to act a certain way, but not with you. Maybe it’s because of your uncaring attitude to him so far, but he’s grateful for not having to put up a facade around you (whether you know it or not).


	2. Partner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strangely enough, the boy who caught your eye asks to be your partner. What do you say?

In astronomy class the next day, Sehun greets you when you walk in together. “Oh,” You blink at him in shock, and he feels bad for sneaking up on you. “Hello.”

“Ready for class?” He asks, because he has nothing else to say.

“I guess so.” You reply. The two of you share no more dialogue, and when Sehun’s setting his things down at his seat, he realizes he doesn’t even know your name. Curiosity sparks inside of him, and he makes it his objective to ask you.

Class starts off slow, and the professor doesn’t request for everyone’s homework until the end of it. The teacher approaches Sehun’s row first, eying him expectantly. Sehun turns in his papers proudly.

“Mr. Oh?” The professor raises an eyebrow, and Sehun nods. “I’m impressed with you. I apologize for my scrutinizing behavior yesterday.” Sehun actually blushes at the attention.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s only natural to assume that. I was only able to do it because I sacrificed some of my sleeping hours.” He replies humbly. After the instructor collects all the assignments and returns to the front of the room, bringing up a partner project they’ll have the following week on Earth’s gravity.

Subtly, Sehun glances across the room to check your reaction to this, but you’re looking down at your notebook, scribbling something down instead. He admits to himself that he’s a little disappointed you didn’t look to him at the mention of a partner, but reminds himself that you’d only just met, briefly.

Maybe he’s acting too interested.

“Dismissed. And Ms. _____? May I talk to you for a minute?” Sehun’s caught off guard by the teacher’s proposal and immediately decides to put his things away as slowly as possible. He was going to walk with you after class to appear casual, but if he waits for you, he’s afraid he’ll come on too strong.

He thinks the professor is aware of his presence, because they talk in a hushed tone with you. It’s not quiet enough to go unnoticed by Sehun, though. “Yes?” You drawl, as if you could care less what the instructor has to say to you.

“I want to talk about your homework last night…” Sehun his notes into his bag. “You didn’t turn anything in, I noticed.” He struggles to find a perfect spot for his pencil to fit in, before shoving it in his pocket instead.

“I know.” You reply, with a sort of finality in your tone. When Sehun runs out of things to put away, he takes his notebook back out and looks through it.

“I can tell what kind of student you are already, and I’ll warn you now that starting off with a zero in my class will only hurt you.” The professor says. Sehun’s listening so intently he stops pretending to do something else. “I assure you that one more failed assignment will give me reason to kick you out.” Your voices become even quieter, so much so that Sehun can no longer make out any words, and he picks up his bag, unsatisfied.

He leaves the room, but waits by the doorway for you until you come out. “Oh,” You say when you see him, looking shocked again. “Hello.”

“Hi,” His smile comes naturally. “Are you heading to another class?” He asks, and you shake your head. “Do you mind if I walk you again, then?” He gives no explanation as to why, but you don’t seem suspicious or bothered by it.

“Knock yourself out.” You shrug, looking slightly uninterested. Sehun finds himself wanting to change that. He distinctly remembers seeing curiosity in your eyes last night, and he wants to know what it was about. It might have just been my imagination, he thinks disappointedly.

You walk around campus for while, taking the same path he remembers taking last night, when he walked you to your dorm. “Are you looking forward to that partner project in astronomy?” He asks out of the blue. Up until now, you’ve been silent.

“Not really.” You say boredly.

“Would you be my partner?”

“That class isn’t–” Suddenly, you stop walking to look at him. He stops, too, watching you expectantly. “–wh-what?” You utter, eyes wide. Surprise is probably the only other emotion he’s seen from you. “Why do you want to partner up with  ** _me?_** ” You ask. “I’m sure you were listening to the professor talk to me, I didn’t even do my work.” You’re starting to look annoyed for some reason.

“To be frank, I don’t have a reason to give you.” He says honestly, but doesn’t back down. “I just know that my partner should be you.” And there it is again, that look he’s been craving to see:

Curiosity.

“If you want, I’ll even do all the work.” He says when you stay silent, feeling desperate for this to happen. But why? He really didn’t know it himself.

You shake your head at him saying, “But that’s not fair.” You pause for a brief second before adding, “If we partner up, I’ll do my part.” He lets you mull it over for a few minutes, willing to do anything for you to say “yes”. There’s something that draws him to you; a familiar trait that he can’t quite figure out yet. He’s hoping that by spending more time together, he’ll find out what it is.

 

 

 

 

_(Your P.O.V)_

You had been wondering why you signed up for astronomy in the first place if you weren’t that interested, but after today, you came up with a possibility: Maybe it was to meet this guy. Maybe it was fate, or, “written in the stars” for you two to acquaint.

He’s not like other guys you’ve met in college, who approach you for hopes of taking advantage of you. In fact, this guy doesn’t even seem like he has an ulterior motive.

It makes you curious.

“On one condition,” You say, holding up a finger. He instantly nods, ready for your proposal. “Every night that requires looking at the stars, I want to come out on the hill with you.” You say.

“That’s all?” He asks, leaning back and blinking in surprise. He must have been expecting more, but you nod, satisfied with something that trivial. “Great! I look forward to working with you!” He smiles, looking relieved.

“Okay.” You say, not wanting to say the feeling’s mutual. But, you can’t help but feel a little interested. For the time being, you know you’ll have something to keep your mind off of yourself (or lack thereof).

With the matter settled, he finishes walking you to your dorm room and asks if you could start planning for the project the next day. With an empty schedule, you agree carelessly and tell him to just pop by whenever, since you’re free.

After he leaves and you’re left with your thoughts again, you stare at your cellphone for a solid ten minutes before deciding your parent’s call can wait another week. They don’t need to know their daughter is failing her classes again, having wasted enough money on her education to fund a preschool (probably).

Sighing, you crawl into bed and tell yourself you’ll do your class’ homework after a nap, though you know you most likely won’t touch it. While you’re falling asleep, you let thoughts of your new partner occupy your mind. You don’t even know his name, you realize, though you think you remember your professor calling him “Mr. Oh” in class…

 _Great_ , you think sleepily,  _I’m adding another person in my life to disappoint_.

With the tears barely at bay, you slip off into a restless sleep.


	3. Invite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sehun and you spend a little time together for the project, but end up doing other things.

You accidentally sleep in. Your alarm clock didn’t do it’s job and wake you up on time, so when you finally woke up naturally, you decided you just wouldn’t go to class at all that night. The sucky thing about having this class is that every day it switches times, and today it started in the morning.  _One day of astronomy can’t cover that much important stuff_ , you decide.

You shower despite your plans of staying in all day, wanting to feel refreshed. You stare blankly at your wall while the hot water hits your back, not wanting to confront the insecurities and dilemmas that are always asking for your attention.

When the water gets too cold for you to stand, you turn it off and grab your towel from the dryer, drying off and wrapping it around your body. You don’t bother putting on actual clothes, settling for just a pullover and shorts, before curling up in your bed sheets.

You desperately try and find something to keep distracting you, and are grateful when you hear a knock at your door two hours later. You were nearly spiraling in your thoughts at that point without anything to do, and leapt to your feet before dashing to the door.

“Hey, partner,” It’s Sehun. He’s frowning. “Where were you today?” He asks, coming in when you step aside for him. You shut the door before answering, avoiding his eye.

“I woke up late.” You tell him, sounding more resigned than you meant to. “Did I miss anything?” You ask to give him the false impression that you felt bad about it.

“Only the entire explanation of our group project, don’t worry.” He says sarcastically, but you can tell he’s not happy. He waits for you to give him somewhere to sit, and you point to your bedroom. At this, he drops his frown to widen his eyes at you. “Will that be okay?” He asks.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” You retort, walking there first to show it was. “You’re not going to do anything, right?” You say, unconcerned.

“Of course not.” He replies, though he doesn’t have to. You’ve already noticed he’s not like your typical guy.

You both take a seat on your bed, because a mess occupies everywhere else, and you notice how he takes a respectable distance away from you, nearly on the other side of the mattress. How noble.

“You can catch me up if I need it, though, can’t you?” You challenge. You wonder if he’s regretting his decision of partnering up with you yet, but he chuckles slightly, nodding his head.

“No, you’re right. I’m sorry for hounding you the moment I saw you.” He apologizes, then, more shyly, says, “If I’m being honest, I’d have skipped, too, if I woke up late.”

“Wow, really?” You ask, genuinely surprised. You don’t miss the way he’s shocked by your reaction. “Who would have thought that Mr. Oh, the guy who asked for extra homework, would be willing to miss a day of lecture?” You ask jokingly, and he colors, rubbing the back of his neck.

“My name is Sehun. And nobody’s perfect.” He shrugs, making you chuckle.

“_____. And trust me, I would know.” You intentionally don’t say anything else, waiting for him to ask you what you mean, but he doesn’t. Something briefly crosses his face, before it goes away and he says something else.

“So in class today,” He explains how the professor droned of the project requirements and guidelines, going over it for you on paper for better understanding, and explained how he wanted to execute the entire thing. You admitted you were impressed with his ability to quickly come up with good plans like this, and watched him color again in amusement. “Any questions?” He asks you when he’s done.

“Nope, you covered everything I would ask about.” You tell him. You didn’t notice how much closer the two of you got on the bed. Now that you do, though, you do start to feel uncomfortable… there’s one thing being in bed with a stranger and another thing when it’s with your partner, you tell yourself, though it’s not comforting in the least. In this case, your partner  ** _is_**  a stranger… “Let’s start.” You blurt, not wanting to dwell on it.

“If you want,” He says, turning to an empty page and folding back the cover of his notebook. “What should our solar system be called?” He asks, then, “No… how many planets should we have? Or, how many  ** _suns_**  should we have? It’d be cool if we had three, like in sci-fi movies.” He quips.

You two discuss it more in depth for the next two hours, asking each other questions about planet names, the size of different masses, if you both  ** _really_**  wanted a galaxy with two suns (because that would mean more work when documenting). You find yourself unexpectedly having fun talking with him. When you get into a heated discussion of why you opposed having one sun (which he later suggested), he suddenly lies on his back and groans.

“Okay, I think that’s enough for now.” He decides, and you bite back your  _“I don’t want another Pluto”_  comment. “Let’s work on it later today. Right now, I need a break.” He says, and you can’t help thinking how that seems uncharacteristic of him.

“I don’t need one,” You say, thinking he was trying to be considerate of you. “You seem like a binge kind of guy. A hard worker.”

“Do I?” He muses, eyes closed peacefully.

“I thought so.”

“I guess I seem that way.” He says vaguely, but doesn’t explain his thoughts. You don’t ask, either, since he didn’t ask about you earlier that morning. You weren’t being spiteful, just respectful. If he didn’t want to know anything more about you than he needed to, you’re fine with that.

Following his lead, you lie opposite of him, your bodies flipped so that your head is by his feet and vise versa. In the short time you’ve talked with him, you’ve grown accustomed to his presence, and no longer feel the urge to move away from him. It’s wrong, you tell yourself, yet, you can’t feel any bad aura from him.

The tranquility of the moment, the warmth gently oozing from his legs, the dim lights of your room, and the still relaxed muscles you have from your shower all make you drowsy. You don’t notice when you fall asleep.

 

 

 

 

_(Sehun’s P.O.V)_

The truth is, Sehun was a little upset that you didn’t show up today. You had accepted his request to be partners, and you even seemed to be willing to do your part. That included, in Sehun’s opinion, attending class everyday to learn and take notes.

For him personally, he  ** _needed_**  to finish every assignment and project this class had to offer him. He  ** _needed_**  the validation that he was capable of doing all the work. He  ** _needed_**  his professor, his classmates, his parents, everyone, to think that he had it all down. You blowing him off like this didn’t help. He nearly stomped all the way to your dorm room and had to stop himself from banging on your door.

But the second you opened it… you looked so out of it. Not in the way you looked or dressed, but in your eyes. Sehun could only smile at you and assure you it was fine, because he didn’t have the heart to berate you anymore.

After explaining what he learned, which only took roughly fifteen minutes, he was relieved to hear that you understood it. He of course was skeptical about if you truly received it as well as he intended you to, but your ideas and questions while planning the project proved that you did. You were a fast learner, and he appreciated that.

And he normally  ** _is_**  a binge kind of guy, like you said, but so much social interaction was making him exhausted, even though it’s about his favorite topic. He replays his day so far almost twelve times, trying to figure out if he said and did all the right things, if he should have said or done something else.

He’s brought out of his thoughts, though, when you turn on your side, legs curling up and brushing his waist. He sits up, eyes widening, before realizing you were sleeping. How could you sleep so easily around him? Did you really trust him that much? Or did you really, like Sehun’s constantly thought of you since he first saw you on the hill, not care?

Before he can stop himself, his rests a hand on your calf. “Hey,” He says gently, shaking you even gentler. “Hey, are you awake?” What a dumb question, did he ask that before? “_____.” Just like last time, your eyelids flutter open and you peer up at him with no reaction, and just like last time, he moves his hand away.

“Huh?” You mumble, your voice laced with sleep. You stretch lazily on the sheets, not caring that your thigh pressed against his while doing it. “How long have I been sleeping?” You ask him.

“Well, when did you start sleeping?” He asks teasingly, the deja vu hitting him tenfold. “It’s 3:00 PM.”

Instead of commenting on the time, you close your eyes again and pull the sheets over you. “I still have time to nap, then.” You mumble, making him chuckle. “Wake me when you feel like working again.” You add with a short yawn.

“I think I’ll leave, actually,” Sehun chides, standing up from the bed. When he looks back at you, your eyes are open again. They’re looking at him. “I have to finish today’s assignment anyways. And I wouldn’t want to stay past my invite. Hey, I’ll bring some pizza over next time, how does that sound?” He offers politely. You make no sign of stopping him or accepting his offer when he starts putting his things away, so he makes up his mind, not even pausing, except to turn off the lights.

“Sehun,” You call when he’s halfway out the door, and he silently walks back to your side. Your eyes are closed again, but you must know he was still there, because you continue. “I’m sorry I disappointed you, but I should have expected it.” Sehun can’t believe his eyes at first, but when he takes a closer look, he sees a single tear slide down your cheek. “I do this to everyone who takes the time to be in my life.”

He knows it’s weird and overstepping his role as a partner, but he can’t help it. Sehun takes his index finger and gently wipes the tear away with his knuckle, saying, “It’s okay, _____. You didn’t disappoint me.” When he takes his hand back, he whispers, “Have a good nap.”

He’s about to walk out before it gets any more intimate, before he hears you tell him, “I’ll come to class from now on, for sure.” He turns to face you one more time.

“Sit next to me from now on, too.” You don’t answer, and he safely assumes you passed out. If you cried about it, it must have been bothering you all morning. He doesn’t expect you to actually sit next to him. In fact, he’s flabbergasted that he even said it at all.


	4. S.P.U.B Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You encounter S.P.U.B, the Space, Paranormal, Unknown and Beyond! club, who has quirky members and weird tactics.

When you sat with him yesterday, he couldn’t look at you at first because his face was so red. You had heard him request your presence and actually did it, and though it made him feel good, he had this wrenching feeling of nerves in his stomach that he didn’t appreciate.

Today when you sit with him, he’s a little more composed. “Hey,” He greets, flashing you a smile. You smile back at him, looking absolutely exhausted. “Early morning?” He asks as you slump back in your chair and drop your bag.

“Too early.” You nod, shutting your eyes. He guesses that you stood up late last night finishing the assignment that was given, since yesterday’s class was in the evening, you only had a few hours to complete it after he left. Sehun, on the other hand, had no problem doing it, and felt guilt seep its way into him for having it so easy.

Before he has any time to say something, the lecture begins, and he silently decides to give you a laurel afterwards for trying so hard. The lesson is laggard, though, and he has a hard time paying attention to it. But he does his best, taking notes that he’s sure will help aid you and him in the project.

Afterwards, when he’s walking to your dorm to work, you stop him while passing the hill he first met you on. “What are they  ** _doing?_** ” You ask, covering your face slightly and hanging your head while peering up there. It takes Sehun a second to realize you’re cringing, and another second to realize why.

Up on the hill are the three most popular guys on campus, sitting on giant alien head beanbags while playing a round of chess. “How embarrassing is that?” You ask him, looking horrified at them, but Sehun’s interested.

“Come up there with me.” He says, not wanting to leave you, but doesn’t wait for your acceptance to start walking. He hears you join him before reaching the top, though, and is relieved he doesn’t have to approach them alone. “What’s up?” He asks the closest male, Byun Baekhyun, who glances up at him with a grin.

“We’re playing space chess, wanna watch?” He asks. Sehun could tell it was chess from the bottom of the hill, but now that he’s up here, he sees that someone (probably the three of them) taped different space-related things to each of the pieces. For example, the knights had alien heads on them, and the pawns had small beam guns.

“ ** _Why_** , though? Here, of all places?” You ask from behind Sehun, and he steps aside so he’s not in the way. This time, Jongdae pipes up.

“We’re advertising our club.” He says, looking at you from over his shoulder. “You should join us, S.P.U.B.” He says, flashing a hand-made badge at you. Sehun reads the small print on it, which was written carefully in black ink.

_Kim Jongdae, Treasurer of S.P.U.B.  
(Space, Paranormal, Unknown, and Beyond!)_

“I’ll think about it,” Sehun hears you say, but he has a feeling that you’re just being polite.

“Sounds cool.” Sehun says seriously, interested in their obtuse way of advertising. “Tell me more about it another time, since I’m busy today, but I’m seriously interested.” He tells the guy not playing, Kim Junmyeon.

“Sure thing.” He replies, smiling friendly. Junmyeon’s badge says he’s the fund raiser planner. “If you look at the notice boards at any dorm, you’ll find a flyer with a meeting day.” He says.

“Cool.” Sehun grins, and you look at him with no expression, which Sehun assumes is your polite judgment face.

“Now we’re expecting you to be there, uh,” Baekhyun looks back at Sehun a second time. “Sehun, right? We had a class together before.” He smiles, proud that he remembered. The badge on Baekhyun’s shirt says he’s the assistant manager. Sehun nods to answer his question, but before he can be distracted any more, he excuses you two and offers his hand to help you down the hill. You don’t take it, but grab his forearm instead. A safe place to touch someone you don’t know well.

“You really like space, don’t you?” You ask him after you enter your dormitory, tossing your bag through your open bedroom door and taking a seat at your kitchen island. “But you can do better than S.P.U.B.” You tell him with a mocking tone. You obviously thought the group was a joke.

“Can I?” He asks vaguely, setting his stuff down and sitting opposite of you. “I didn’t see anything wrong with it.” He shrugs.

“The only members we met were those three stooges.” You throw out, opening the closest cupboard and pulling out a bag of chips. “What good can come out of that?”

“Yeah, but I haven’t met their manager yet.” Sehun comments easily, grabbing a chip when you rip the bag open. “They could be the real deal. Besides, I said I was interested, not invested.” He points out, and you hold up your hands in defeat.

“Oh Sehun can do what Oh Sehun pleases.” You say. “But I wasn’t sold.” Sehun isn’t surprised, but he doesn’t say that. He’s learned from his multiple attempts at socializing that there are some things better left unsaid.

“Wanna work, then?” He asks you, changing the subject. “Or not, since you look like you want to do something else.” He quips, seeing you fidget slightly. You bite your lip in guilt.

“Sorry,” You mumble, looking away. “But I want to work on it later.”

“Why’d I walk you here, then?” He chuckles, finding it completely pointless.

“Well, I still wanted to spend time with you, just not doing class work.” You say, looking everywhere but him. When he realizes you’re blushing, that wrenching feeling Sehun felt yesterday returns tenfold, and he’s sure his face is red, so he looks away from you, too, pretending that made him invisible.

“Ha,” He laughs airily, unsure of what to say. “Um… what did you want to do, then..?” He asks quietly. Is he supposed to ask in this kind of situation? Or is this when he’s supposed to deny you and leave? To end it before it can escalate? Would it escalate? Would he want it to stop if it did?

“I don’t know, I was going to offer to watch a movie, but your reaction is making me regret ever saying anything.” When he looks back at you in embarrassed surprise, he sees a small frown hiding behind your blush. “I didn’t mean it in any way but platonic.” You reassure him, but he starts shaking his head.

“No, no, I didn’t think you did.” He says. “It’s just… well, I guess I’m glad you offered, is all.” He confesses, not realizing he felt that way until he said it. Has he always had the desire to get to know you?

“Oh,” You utter, blinking in shock. “A-Alright. A movie’s fine, then?”

“It’s perfect.” He says a little too eagerly. He internally slaps himself for it. He honestly isn’t trying to look desperate for a friend, but if he’s being honest, you’d be the first one since his freshman year of college. Then Sehun internally slaps himself for thinking you even wanted to be friends with him. Maybe you just want a break from all the work, and are including him in that down town to make him feel better.

But you smile at him, and Sehun thinks it’s brighter than a thousand suns. He’s never seen something so dazzling in his life, and he’s left wordless as you stand up with the bag of chips, walking over to your bedroom. “T.V’s in here, let’s go pick a movie.”

Sehun allows himself a moment or two to collect himself before following suite and taking his usual spot on your bed. He’s acutely aware that he’s in your personal space now that it’s not about homework, and his palms start to sweat out of nerves.

 _What is **wrong**  with me_, he thinks irritably, wiping them on his jeans. He’s never felt this way in his life. He’s starting to abhor the wrenching thing in his gut because it makes him aware of all the unnecessary things. Like your hair color. He’s never cared about it much, and thought about it even less. He’s never noticed how bright your eyes shone, either.

For a split second, Sehun is breathless as he stares at you, because he thinks he sees the stars in your eyes.  _I’m imagining it_ , he tells himself, but it’s there. The night sky is all in your eyes.

Then, with a deflating realization, he figures out why. You must have installed them last night or before class this morning, since they weren’t there before, but white Christmas lights hung around the perimeter of your ceiling, lighting up the room. He didn’t even notice the lights were off because they illuminated the small room so well.

“Hello? Earth to Sehun?” You ask, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Maybe you  ** _do_**  belong in that club.” You chuckle lightly, waving two DVDs in his face. “I said, which one do you want to see?”

“Oh,” He says distractedly, glancing at the movies before pointing to a random one. “This one.”

“Okay,” He watches you with a newfound fascination as you put in the disc, before joining him on the bed. You lean against the headboard comfortably, looking not at all how he’s feeling inside. “You chose a comedy, so I hope you have the same humor as me, or else I’ll be the only one laughing.” You gander at him, grinning.

Ah. He’s looking at the sun again.

 _Seriously_ , Sehun thinks, smiling back before looking at the T.V. screen.  _What the hell is wrong with me?_


	5. The Stars In Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sehun has a panic attack.

_(Your P.O.V)_

The moment you saw Sehun look away from you, you realized your mistake. You should have never asked him to hang out. What were you thinking? Someone as good as him spending time with someone like, well,  ** _you?_** Maybe you were wrong in thinking you were kindred souls, depressed and lost in the way of life.

Why did you ever think Sehun was like you?

“I guess I’m glad you offered, is all.” Hearing that from him is probably the only thing that stopped you from having a panic attack on the spot. You’ve never felt the inundated relief that you felt in that moment before, and readily invited him to your room to watch a movie. Your mind was buzzing with so many new emotions that night. Well, not “new”, but emotions you haven’t felt in a really long time.

Relief. Excitement. Curiosity. Hell, you were feeling  ** _giddy._**  What kind of college student feels giddy?

The next morning, Sehun arrived at your door at noon, making you double take. “What’s up?” You asked as he walked in without permission, not that you cared much, but it did worry you. He was never so forward, always… reticent.

Without answering, he walks into your bedroom. You follow him after shutting the door and find him on your bed, the blankets pulled up around his knees, and the T.V on.

“Let’s watch a movie.” He strains, his entire body looking tense and his jaw set. He’s looking at the screen so severely that it makes you uncomfortable.

“Okay.” You agree, just to please him. “Go ahead and start it, I’ll be right back.” You say, going to your kitchen and making some chamomile tea. It’s the only drink that can calm you down when you’re nervous or restless, and since Sehun seemed wound up, you figured he’d appreciate it.

When you arrive to your room again, you see that he put in one of your many Jackie Chan films, one with lots of explosions and fighting. He doesn’t look at you when you sit on the bed, but stares at the cup you hold out to him.

“It’s tea.” You tell him. “It’ll make you feel better.” With a susurrant “thank you”, he takes the tea from you and takes a sip of it before turning back to the movie. You lie back on your pillows, deciding to stay with him for the rest of the time and sipping your drink during the wait.

Twenty minutes in, both of your cups are empty. Forty minutes in, you start feeling the effects of the tea. I forgot it makes you sleepy, you think drowsily, yawning unconcernedly. After a few seconds, you hear Sehun do the same. You thoughtlessly take his empty cup from him and set it with yours on the floor, before lifting up the blankets and getting under it with him. You’re awake enough to remember to keep space between you both, but so relaxed that you barely make an inch of it.

Sehun makes such a segue of sitting up to lying down next to you that you don’t even notice it until the end of the movie rolls around. He’s not touching you, but his body heat is making the blankets feel the perfect temperature. You could never make it this warm on your own.

You barely remember seeing the credits scroll before it goes black. You think the movie ended, but then realize your eyelids closed. You try to open them, then realize you don’t want to and give up.

Moments later, sleep overtakes you. You dream of hills, telescopes, and a lugubrious Sehun.

 

 

 

 

 

_(Sehun’s P.O.V)_

Sehun was just walking around campus when it happened. He was feeling completely normal. He was thinking about the solar system that you and him were gradually creating, and how he was excited for class that evening so he could come over and get working on it. He was just walking around campus, feeling completely normal. Then it happened.

“Oh, Sehun?” He looked up, surprised to hear his name being called. Jongdae waved at him, grinning instantly when Sehun stopped walking. All Jongdae saw is Sehun politely stopping to talk, but the truth is that he froze. He wasn’t expecting this social interaction, he hadn’t planned it. He wasn’t sure what to say. “It is! Still coming to that meeting?” He asked, ambling up to him.

Sehun opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He felt his heart start beating faster, his throat go dry and his face flush. All Jongdae saw is someone who was a little nervous, but the truth is, that’s just brushing the tip of the iceberg.

“Yeah.” Sehun finally choked out, looking away from Jongdae’s expecting eyes. Sehun told himself that he was being dramatic, that Jongdae is just being friendly like he is with everyone, but he couldn’t convince himself of it. He  ** _knows_**  Jongdae was trying to recruit him because he said he was interested the other day. He  ** _knows_**  that Jongdae knows his weakness, that if he guilts him, he’ll come even if he doesn’t want to. He  ** _knows_**  that Jongdae was doing that to him right then.

“Great! We’re really excited for another member.” He said.  _See?_  Sehun asked himself.  _You’re not being dramatic. He’s trying to guilt you._

“Mm-hmm.” Sehun replied hurriedly before walking off without a goodbye. He couldn’t find it in him to feel bad, because he was too caught up in his thoughts. He wasn’t paying attention to where his feet were taking him, either, and only realized he was at your door after he knocked.

“What’s up?” You asked him, and without answering you, he entered your dorm and went straight for your room. He curled up on the bed and hugged his knees, staring at the sheets with his jaw clenched. He felt the bile rising up his throat, he was so close to cracking. One wrong move and he would snap. When you followed him to the bedroom, he asked to watch another movie, and you agreed. “Go ahead and start it, I’ll be right back.”

When you turned away, he watched you, leaving him to himself. The abandonment made him even more anxious, and he breathed out unsteadily through his nostrils, too afraid to open his mouth in fear of throwing up. He mindlessly threw in a Jackie Chan movie, and when you came back in, you climbed onto the bed with two cups of tea. His first sip, he knew it was chamomile. It’s the only tea that can calm him when he’s feeling nervous or restless.

Gradually, very gradually, Sehun began to feel better. He was trying his best to pay attention to the movie, and after a bit, it started to get easier to do. By the time his tea was gone and you took the cup from him, he was completely calm. He no longer felt the need to cry, to shout. You had managed to do exactly what he needed you to do without making it worse.

He let that thought sink in as the movie continued, the scenes barely registering in his mind as was filled with memories of you. Of the grass you lied on on the hill. Of the wonderful questions and ideas you came up with when you two first made your solar system. Of the stars in your eyes. Of the wrenching feeling in his gut whenever he thought about it.

And, when the movie ended and he was lying down next to a sleeping you, he realized with a horrible lurch that he was crushing on you. He would have mulled over it some more, trying to figure out if he really did, trying to find an excuse to combat it, but he was too tired.

The chamomile had kicked in full on, and when he drifted off, he dreamt of hills, telescopes, and the stars in your eyes.


	6. It's Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You learn some big news from your astronomy partner, but how well do you take it?

It’s been two weeks since Sehun’s random appearance at your dorm, and neither of you brought it up. You figured that if he wanted to pretend it never happened, then so would you. Occasionally, you would wonder if that made you seem careless, but settled with the feeling that you were fine.

During those two weeks, you and Sehun accomplished a lot on the project, nearly done a week before the deadline. The nearness ladened you both with restlessness, and he often stayed over late in the night to get as much done as possible.

It was exhausting, if you were being honest. It’s the most you’ve worked in your entire life, and you blamed it on the fact that you wanted to impress Sehun. Every time you’d turn in an assignment, he’d congratulate you on your “achievement”. You found yourself growing needy for his praise, which frightened you as much as it excited you.

It made you realize that Sehun was the first person you could ever call a friend. You often asked him to hang out when he could spare it. He really did join that weird club,  _S.P.U.B_. Ever since, his schedule has been jam-packed. But, even with so many hours of his day filled up, he still found time to work with you.

 _That what friends do_ , you told yourself happily this morning.  _Sehun and I are friends._

Today’s lecture was in the evening, and Sehun had a club meeting all day, so you only got to see him during class. He was a little later than usual and sat down next to you, the red tint on his cheeks salient. “You alright?” You ask him, wondering if he ran. He wasn’t out of breath, though.

He gives you a curt nod, but doesn’t say anything more. You decide to believe him, realizing there was no point in doubting him.  _Friends trust each other_ , you tell yourself joyfully.

During the lecture, Sehun fidgets so much that you can’t help but notice. He taps his pencil, then his foot, then bends down to go through his things, then flips through his notes just to go back to a blank page. It drives you nuts, watching him without knowing the reason of his jitters.

Finally, when the lesson is over and the professor reminds everyone that the project is due soon, you and Sehun leave the classroom, when he stops twitching. “Are you  ** _sure_**  you’re okay?” You ask him as you walk. “You seemed distracted during class.” You add when he looks at you with wide eyes.

“Yeah,” He says, shrugging awkwardly. He’s looking away from you. “I just.. have something on my mind.” He tells you softly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You offer, smiling despite yourself.  _Friends listen to your problems._  “I’m all ears.”

“Not here.” He replies. He still looked a little flush, and you wondered anxiously if he had a fever. Should you really let him sit on your bed, then?  _But _____, friends don’t care about that kind of thing._  You jokingly wonder if it’s worth being friends if it means you’ll get sick.

At your dorm, Sehun makes his way into your bedroom. You no longer find it strange that he enters without asking first, since he’s been doing it since his random appearance. You wouldn’t think about it that much, except he was sitting on your bed first. He never sat on your bed first, unless something was wrong.

“Sehun,” You utter, crawling onto the mattress and pulling up your legs. “Do you wanna talk now?” He nods, but doesn’t say anything, instead staring at your eyes. You wonder if there’s something special about them.

“Starlight.” He says slowly after a pause.

“I’m sorry?” You blink, confused.

“You are starlight.” He utters breathlessly. “I… I don’t know what to say to you.” He confesses, and you bite back a “ _me neither_ ” since he looked completely serious. “I’ve never done this before.”

“Done what?” You ask, mind racing for an explanation. With a sudden idea, you surmise that he’s leaving you after the project. With defeat, you say, “You don’t have to tell me, I already know.” You admit, looking away from him. You should have expected this. You were never friends.

“You do?” He asks, looking slightly alarmed. He must be filled with guilt right now, since you caught on so quickly.

“Yeah, you don’t have to apologize for ditching me.” You shrug, pulling your homework from your bag. “I get it. We’re project buddies, but nothing more.”

For a moment, he blinks at you, a jejune expression on his face. Then, he shakes his head, mumbling, “No, no, you’ve got it all wrong.” He smiles then, looking at you in amusement. “Why’d you think that?”

This time,  ** _you_**  were the one blushing. “W-Well,” You snap, hating yourself for jumping the gun. “I mean, why  ** _would_**  you stay friends with me?” You ask, looking away. “I’m literally the world’s biggest fail.”

“Stop saying that,” Sehun says, suddenly gentle. He waits until you look at him again before continuing, “I don’t think that about you. I’ve never thought that about you.” You aren’t sure how to take the compliment, so you say nothing. “I’ve… always thought you were outstanding.”

“Okay…” You laugh, taking it as a joke. “I get it. I’m depressed and shit, but you don’t need to try and make me feel better about myself.” You say.

“You’re wrong again,” He says, furrowing his brow and shaking his head. “I’m not trying to stroke your ego, I’m–” He freezes, watching you tensely. He looks like he’s trying to decide something, something important. Then, very quietly, finishes, “I’m confessing my feelings for you.”

You take a long time to realize he means “I’m crushing on you” and another long while before reacting. “Um… I believe you, but I don’t know what else to say to you.” You admit, heart pounding fast. It’s a horrible response to give someone who just opened their heart to you, but you can’t do any better. It’s one of the many shitty things in life that books never talk about– sometimes, you just can’t find the right words to give someone. “I-I mean, it’s sweet, really, you’ve gone and fallen for a dumbass, but… I don’t know how I feel about  ** _you_**  yet.” You tell him as honestly as you can, and to your surprise, he nods.

“I figured that.” He says bluntly, and you decide not to take offense. “I’m not asking you out, _____, please understand that,” He says suddenly, holding up his hand. “I just want to let you know how I feel, because from on, I’m going to treat you like I like you, not like a partner.” His words are overwhelming you faster than you can handle, and you stutter an answer before you exacerbate it.

“O-Oh Sehun does what Oh Sehun pleases.” You repeat yourself from so long ago. He seems to appreciate it, because he smiles slightly. “Is that all?” You ask, nearly squeaking from nerves. Your face feels so hot right now, and your skin is burning. Is this how normal people react when being confessed to?

“No,” He shakes his head again, still smiling. “I’m a selfish person, to be frank– you know that by how I’m always taking the last chip in the bag,” He reminds you, and you nod, remembering the many petty arguments you two had over it. It all seemed in the past, because right now, Sehun had all your attention. “I want you to know I like you. To think about it. To go  ** _crazy_**  thinking about it. I want to be on your mind twenty-four seven, like how you are for me.” He says, turning a bit pink. “But I’m not going to bother you about it any point from now on, because you are a human being and you’re allowed to feel what you want, but please keep in mind that so am I, and if I really have no chance, tell me now.”

He’s looking at you like you’re gold, you realize. Like you’re priceless. Irreplaceable. You never acknowledged that awed look he had when he stared at you, because you never knew what it meant. Now you do, and you won’t ever be able to forget it. “I–” You stammer, feeling self conscious under his gaze. All this emotion is making you feel angsty. “I don’t know.” Is all you can say.

Do you like Sehun? Have you only ever thought of him as a friend? Sure, during the past two weeks since he started staying later, you payed an unusual amount of attention to his every detail. But you blamed that on the fact that he’s literally the only person in your life you have fun with. You couldn’t possibly think you liked him, not when he was so much better than you in every aspect.

Sure, you checked out his butt a few a times, but it’s his fault for always wearing those damn skinnies. And sure, you always noticed his raven hair was perfect, even after he sat up from lying on your bed and it was everywhere.  And  ** _sure_** , you sometimes slept on the side of the bed he lay on, but only because you missed his presence by the time he was gone and enjoyed the smell of his cologne…

 _ **No.**_  You  ** _couldn’t_**  like him, you were too afraid of heart break. You figured he’d always leave you in the end. You’d tell yourself that every day to protect your heart, and only recently let yourself believe you were somewhat friends.

Now you’re supposed to jump from friend-zone to crush?

“That’s fine,” Sehun reassures you, smiling hopefully. It crushes you, because if you did end up figuring out your feelings, how could you possibly make him happy? “We can start working now, if you want.” He suggests, pulling out his laptop, where he transferred all of your written data for the project onto.

Without saying anything, you agree, grateful for the distraction, though your pounding heart never stops its workout. Around 1:00 AM, when he finally leaves to get some sleep for tomorrow’s lesson, you hide in your bathroom and count to ten, over and over, trying to calm down.

It’s been over a month since you’re last panic attack, and you barely managed to keep a facade while Sehun was here. You just cracked the second he left the room, unable to hold it back any longer. You cried, hyperventilating and you rocked yourself back and forth. You had hoped this relationship had helped you out of this dumb state, but it only gave you more anxiety.

_Sehun. Oh fucking Sehun. How did you manage to affect me so much?_


	7. Sehun, I'm Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sehun has another panic attack, but this time you're there when it starts.

Another week goes by and you and Sehun are so busy with finishing the project that you have no time to address his confession. It turns out that the both of you overlooked something on the rubric, and had to redo the entire design to fix it. You didn’t mind the distraction, though it tired you, since it gave you more time to put his confession off.

You were honestly afraid of bringing it up. What if he changed his mind? What if it was only a joke? What if you were dreaming it? It was the anxiety speaking, but you let yourself believe it for the security of your feelings. He kept to his promise of never talking about it, but that only made you feel worse. How long were you going to keep him waiting for an answer? Should you remind him that you’re still thinking about it? But if you did, you’d be lying.

You weren’t thinking about it. Liking him meant possible growth in the relationship, and friendship was nice, yeah, but anything more meant commitment. You sucked at taking care of yourself, so how could you possibly want to take care of someone else?

Class was in the morning, and you and Sehun met up beforehand to go over the presentation one last time. “I open, we switch off explanations, then you close, right?” You ask him again, just to make sure you got it down.

“Right.” He says, looking distracted. It worried you. You learned he always has something big to say when he’s distracted. “Hey, are you busy today?” He asks, looking away from the project.

“You know me.” You say in a detached tone. “I’m free.”

“Do you want to hang out with me and the  _S.P.U.B_  members later? We’re supposed to play space chess up on the hill for advertisement.” He asks, smiling a little.

“Sure.” You agree without really thinking about it. One more distraction to keep you procrastinating on thinking.

“Cool.” He says, looking elated. “It’ll be nice having someone I trust with me.” He admits, putting the project away for class. “I don’t think I fit in well with the guys. They’re so different from me.”

“What about the manager?” You ask him, remembering his insisting argument that the manager would be the real deal. “How are they?”

“She’s fine. But I don’t talk to her a lot. I have nothing to say.” He confesses, closing his bag. You two leave your dorm and arrive moments before the first presentation starts. With a slight feeling of comfort, you know talking in front of the class about something you know about will be less terrifying than talking to Sehun about your feelings, something you know nothing about.

Obviously, you like Sehun as a person (who wouldn’t?), but how much of that is blind dependency, and how much of that is true friendship? And is there more to it? There’s no way a real friend would look at him, wishing he’d sit a little closer. There’s no way a real friend would look at him, wishing he’d dare to brush hands. There’s no way a real friend would even  ** _think_**  these things, wishing he’d say those sweet things one more time.

And you noticed his change in attitude. You just never put two and two together. You told yourself he seemed more recluse because he was getting tired of working in astronomy. You told yourself he was being overwhelmed with  _S.P.U.B._  You told yourself it had nothing to do with the fact that you ignore his every attempt to flirt with you, which were occurring less and less with his dropping mood.

You pretended it wasn’t your fault, yet you knew it was. You were making him feel worse. You made him wait so long, he was probably feeling hopeless. He asked you to think about it, and all you’ve done is ignore it. Isn’t this the same as telling him “no”?

You think of all this during your presentation, your mind not really there so you actually do pretty well. It’s the weird thing about you, if you don’t pay attention to what you’re saying, you can act without worry and be fine. At the end of it, you decide that you’ll give him your answer today. You’ll figure it all out while you’re hanging out with the  _S.P.U.B_  members, and tell him afterwards.

 _It’s a plan_ , you think to yourself in relief, finally proud that you’ve done something on your own. Hopefully, things will go well, and Sehun and you can return to normal. His feelings will pass, and so will yours.

 

 

 

 

You had expected Sehun’s attitude to go back up once the chess game started, but you were oh so wrong. He was quieter, and because you knew him so well, you knew it wasn’t because he was concentrating, though you were sure that’s what the three stooges thought it was. They were chatting along like normal, laughing obnoxiously every now and then before making another move. You could tell that Sehun was feeling strange again, because he was tapping his foot on the grass and the chess board with his finger.

“Mind explaining how chess works to me so I’m not completely clueless?” You ask him quietly, hoping to distract him. He blinks up at you in surprise, as if he forgot you were there entirely, before nodding and telling you what each of the pieces mean and their goal. He’s able to explain it all before the stooge makes his next move because he’s talking so much. “Ahh, it’s so complicated.” You groan, grabbing your head dramatically. Sehun chuckles, but his smile doesn’t quite reach his lips.

“You’ll figure it out if you watch us play some more,” At that statement, the stooges look at you with interest.

“Are you interested in space chess?” Asks Jongdae, who Sehun stares at uncomfortably for some reason you don’t know. “Have you reconsidered about  _S.P.U.B_?” He asks more obviously.

“Nah,” You reply easily, not really caring for them or their club. “I’m just here to watch.”

“Too bad,” Baekhyun clicks his tongue, staring at the board. “You’re missing out.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” You laugh. They’re so persistent, it was kind of endearing. “You just go back to your game.” Another half hour goes, they switch players, and while Sehun is standing on the sidelines with you, you notice his jaw is clenched really hard. You gape at him nervously, since the last time you saw him like this, he looked on the verge of lashing out.

“Crap! I should have seen that coming!” Junmyeon exclaims, throwing his head back in agony. “How could I have missed it?” He mutters defeatedly at the board.

“Hey, boys,” You call, and the three stooges look at you. “Sehun’s going to walk me to my dorm now, ‘cuz I’m getting bored.” You announce, and they all make the cutest pouty faces at you.

“Aw, stay a little longer? Maybe you’ll like it when it’s your turn.” Baekhyun tries, but you’re already grabbing Sehun’s arm and pulling him away.

“Next time!” You yell over your shoulder, pulling your friend down the hill. The walk from your dorm takes five minutes from here, but judging Sehun’s panting state, you don’t think you have that kind of leisure time to get there, so you bring him down a side path that leads into a different dorm building. He pulls away from you as you enter, and you follow him as he runs into the closest room, the laundry room, before he collapses to the floor ungracefully.

“Sehun!” You yelp, dropping to his side worriedly, but he silently points at the door, so you close and lock it. “What’s going on? Are you fine? You’re freaking me out!” You utter, helping him into a sitting position and leaning him against the dryer. He was covering his face the entire time, so you didn’t know he was crying until he suddenly sobbed.

“I tried!” He says, dropping his hands. “I tried, I tried so much, Starlight.” He hiccups, and with wide eyes you wonder what you’re supposed to do. He looks like he’s having a panic attack, but you know it’d only make it worse if you touched him. Your consternation keeps you from acting, but it might be what Sehun needs, because he finishes, “It’s so hard to pretend.”

And, with that last sentence, you realize that you’re primary conclusion about Sehun was correct. He’s that other type of depression that you never believed in.

Until now.

Stuck in your thoughts, you don’t notice that he’s reaching for you until his fingers take your wrist, and he pulls you to his side before hiding his face in his knees. “Please don’t leave.” He says, gripping your wrist as lightly as he can manage through his shaking. “I– I need you here right now.”

“I’m right here,” You whisper, making him let go so you can lace your fingers together instead. He squeezes your hand tightly, and you realize that this is the first time you’ve ever seen Sehun so vulnerable, save for the time he confessed. You know he really has no choice, since it happens on its own, but he wants you here with him, to stay until he’s through this episode. “I’m not going anywhere.” You promise, and you don’t know how much you mean it until you say it.

 _Well, fuck_ , you think to yourself. It’s really not the time to think about it, but it just comes to you, and now you can’t stop thinking it.  _I like Oh Sehun. I like Oh Sehun. I like Oh Sehun…_

_Fuck._

 

 

 

 

It takes Sehun an hour before he’s completely calmed down. Without the chamomile tea to make him pass out and a movie to distract him, he was all alone with his thoughts and you. Luckily, no one ever came down to use the room, because you don’t know what you would have done had that happened.

Sehun’s breathing shallowly, but he’s no longer hiccuping and sobbing. His hand is limp in your hold, but strong enough to keep it together. He must feel absolutely exhausted, so you pull him against your shoulder for him to lean on.

“I’m sorry you had to see me freak out like that.” He mumbles after a bit of silence. “I’m pathetic.”

“You’re not.” You reply quietly, running your thumb over his knuckles. They’re so different from yours; big, deep, and a little rough. “You’re not pathetic, Sehun.” He makes a laughing noise, just barely.

“I can’t even pretend that I’m happy in front of people. How am I not?” He asks weakly.

“I don’t think it’s normal to feel happy all the time.” You tell him how you feel, but you’re no psychologist. “You should be yourself. Show people how you’re really feeling.”

“If I did, this is what they’d see.” His lamentation is something you can relate to, and, normally you wouldn’t care, but because it’s Sehun, you do.

“Sehun,” You mutter, squeezing his hand lightly. He seems to become fully aware of the action, sitting up and staring at your laced hands. “I don’t mean to turn this on me, but I don’t know what else to say to you.” You admit, not looking at him. “I’m just like you, but I convinced myself not to care at all.” You tell him honestly, turning red from laying yourself bare. You’ve never told anyone this, not even your family (hell, they’d be the last people). Then, with the overwhelming realization that you don’t know how to help him or yourself, you begin to cry. “I don’t know how to help. I think not caring at all is even worse than trying to.” You whimper, hiding your face.

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, but then he tugs your hand, until you wipe your face and look at him. “You are helping.” He promises, but you have a hard time believing it. “Starlight, you help me more than you think you do.” He says, and you finally turn your head to look him in the eye. “Honestly, since we started working together, I’ve… I’ve changed.” His eyes glisten as he tries not to cry again. “I didn’t use to…” He shakes his head, clearing his throat. “I didn’t use to feel excited about waking up in the morning. I would take sleeping pills just to nap for as long as I could to avoid having to live my life.

"But, for some reason, you… you saved me.” He murmurs. “It’s the most cliché thing I’ve ever said in my entire life, but dammit, Starlight, you’re helping me.” He says unsteadily, his lip trembling before he bites it. “And I want to be the same comforting medicine to you.” He finishes with a shaky sigh.

“…but you already are.” You whisper, looking between his eyes. You aren’t going to give him your entire life story right now, but you lean forward slightly, briefly glancing down at his mouth. He blinks in surprise, before hesitantly leaning forward, too, until your lips press together softly. For now, a kiss is all either of you need.

“Does this mean you like me back..?” He murmurs afterwards, wiping each of your faces with his hand.

“What else would it mean, you goof?” You laugh airily, blushing. He laughs, too, and suddenly, all of your past insecurities and worries seem insignificant. Why would you ever stress over them when all you care about is his smile?

“Well…” He mutters disappointedly, and you don’t understand why until he says, “We still have tonight’s homework to do, and as much as I love getting all mushy with feelings, I think we should go to your dorm and work.” It’s a valid point, but you can’t seem to find to the motivation to do it. He sees this in your face somehow, before chuckling. “Or we can watch a movie and be totally lame.”

“Lame sounds nice.” You agree, grinning. “Besides, how am I supposed to get to know you if we don’t spend more quality time together?” He blushes suddenly, and after that you head to your dorm. It’s probably 4:15 PM after a movie, and when you’re both sitting on your bed with nothing to do, he motions to his laptop and he shows you his favorite song, and you show him yours, and you lay together all day, late into the night, talking mindlessly, learning more about each other than you ever knew you could about a person.

Being with Sehun was therapeutic, in a way. Neither of you had to worry about putting up a front, impressing the other, yet you were both nervous about it at the same time. He made you want to be better for yourself, and you did the same for him.

When it was almost midnight, Sehun was playing a song he wanted you to hear on his laptop, but neither of you were listening to it. You were laying over his stomach, sleepy from the chamomile tea you made earlier that night and exhausted from the spiral of emotions. You felt his hand resting on your back, unmoving and gentle, spreading a calming warmth.

With hopeful thoughts about the days to come, you fall asleep and dream about alien chess pieces, cuddling, and starlight.


	8. Starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're a thief, but Sehun is forgiving.

Because you two have been turning in outstanding work for the past month, your professor makes the special exception of letting you turn in late work. The homework you two put off last night was now due the next day, which you two gratefully took advantage of.

That night, after evening lecture, you two set off for the hill where you first met. Your heart beat curiously, because even though you finally have an assignment where you’re required to look at the stars, they’re not out tonight. Yet, Sehun seemed giddy to bring you out anyways, lugging his telescope along with a giant grin on his face.

At the top of the hill, you cross your arms and sigh. “The stars aren’t out tonight..” You mumble disappointedly, yet Sehun still sets up his grandiose telescope on the grassy hill. Bewildered, you watch as he tilts the scope up, towards the clouded sky.

“It’s dark.” He agrees, turning to look at you with a small smile. “But the stars are still out, look.” He motions for you to peek through the device. You know you’ll see nothing, but decide to humor him and lean down to look through it.

Just as you assumed, you saw nothing but a deep darkness. Pulling away, you gander at him. “There’s nothing there.” You state the pure obvious.

But he grins at you, stepping closer and cupping your cheeks and your hair. You gasp, heat pumping through your veins as he leans down, so close, and whispers to you.

“You’re a thief, Starlight,” He accuses you, staring into your eyes with wonder. “I don’t even need my telescope anymore.” Confused, but speechless, you do nothing but stand there, gaping at him with wide eyes. “I don’t know when you did it, but..” When he smiles again, you release a small sigh in awe. “All of the stars are in your eyes now.”

The moment seems too surreal. Sure, you two accidentally fell asleep together and shared a kiss, but both of those times didn’t count in your book. The kiss was during both of your emotionally unbalanced breakdowns, and after you both woke up this morning you frantically got ready for the day without having any time to cuddle.

But now, with nothing to put the blame on, his proximity makes your entire face heat up and your heart beat faster. Then, after a brief moment, his smile changes, and he says, “But, I’m not good enough to see something so beautiful,” and looks away with an ironic smirk.

Deja vu hits you like a bullet, to the moment you first met on this hill. Without a good reason, you start tearing up. “You’re an idiot.” You say breathlessly, hugging him tightly. He hugs you back, tilting to one side slightly before moving to the other. You remember saying those exact words to him about the real stars… how can he turn it around so wonderfully and make it something to laugh at?

“I’m really do like you, Starlight,” He whispers, kissing your hair and saying, “And I’ll tell you over and over again until we’re both healed.” You know he’s talking about your depression, and with a sudden wave of sadness, you whisper, “What about after?” He hums, pretending to think it over before telling you, “When that happens, then I’ll start saying that I’m in LOVE with you.” He pulls away to see your reaction, grinning when you open your mouth in shock. “How does that sound?” He teases, poking your cheek.

“It sounds unreal!” You laugh, pushing him away lightly and sitting down on the earthy grass. It’s only been a little over four weeks… has that much really changed in your life? You’re still not sure what you’re going to do with your future, or the present, if you’re being frank. Yet, you don’t feel the same anxiety about it that you did before. Somehow, you know you’ll be alright.

After a while, Sehun takes a seat next to you, then lies on his back and sighs. “Put the stars back whenever you’re ready. We have homework to do.” He says, glancing at you impishly and making you roll your eyes.

“When did your humor become so corny?” You ask him dryly, turning on your side and snuggling against him. He lifts your head and puts it on his arm before wrapping it around you, pulling you closer and making your heart beat faster than necessary (dammit).

“Since I started liking you.” He replies bluntly, sounding completely unabashed and making you even more flustered. “When did you steal the stars? Huh?” He chuckles when you smack his stomach lightly, before tilting his head to look you in the eye.

He says nothing, yet stares, smiling to himself like you wouldn’t notice (or care). You know what he’s thinking, too; it’s so obvious; it’s in his eyes. He likes you. He likes you a lot, and he doesn’t know how to stop and doesn’t want to.

This close, you push aside your insecurities and fears. You pucker your lips and peck his smiling ones, which only makes them stretch wider.

“Do that again.” He murmurs.

And you do.


End file.
